During a marriage conference with Emmerson Eggerichs a few years back, I heard him say something like, “Conflict is the price you pay for greater levels of intimacy.” When dealt with rightly, conflict surely serves that purpose. But when it goes off the rails, great damage can be done to your team, the church family, and staff reputations. At its worst, it leads to relational separation.

The focus in this article is on interpersonal conflict. The type that can get ugly. Patrick Lencioni espouses another type of conflict that can happen on teams called “conflict over ideas.” When you debate an idea, you get to the best idea. Sometimes it can get a little heated, but it should never get personal.

What I mean here by staff members colliding is more in line with boxers in a ring, throwing jabs to take down their opponent. I know church staffs are comprised of Christians, but even good little Christians can give in to the flesh, put on the old self, and strap on their boxing gloves.

Let’s answer a few questions that get us to helpful resolutions in these moments of interpersonal battle.

What if you are the leader of staff in conflict with each other?

1. Snuff out the smoke before it becomes a fire. One of the greatest leadership traits you can develop is proactive leadership. If you smell smoke, a fire is coming. Deal with staff conflict before it blows up.
2. If the fire is burning, keep others away from the flames. Teams should have appropriate levels of transparency, but it’s never appropriate to let a conflict develop in front of others. Get the offended parties off to the side, in another room, or away from groups. Keep in mind who may hear raised voices or see someone leave hastily.
3. Determine your level of involvement. The lesser of a deal you can make out of the conflict, the better. Can you help it come to a resolution by speaking to all parties separately, encouraging them toward right attitudes and responses? Or, does it rise to you sitting down with all involved to mediate.
4. Encourage Matthew 18 principles. You know this one. Encourage people to be mature and address their problems in Christ-honoring ways. Go to a person one-on-one first. If that doesn’t work, bring a person of higher authority in the conversation. If that doesn’t work, keep moving up the chain until you hit a dead end or the appropriate group decides the outcome of the argument.

What if you are at the center of the conflict?

1. Give the benefit of the doubt. In our human nature, we often assume the worst. Our brothers and sisters in Christ deserve better. Stop ascribing evil motives to them unless you learn without a doubt that they have intentions to harm you. When a person is mad, it’s usually more about them than it is about you anyway.
2. Focus on the problem and agree to a positive outcome. Don’t get sidetracked by off-handed statements. Drill in on the nature of the disagreement. Come to some common understandings. Start the conversation with a vision for what resolution will look like and how the relationship can be strengthened afterward.
3. Understand that the beginning and end of the conversation are the difference makers. How you set the tone with your introductory words and how you leave things at the end are like the rudder on a ship.
4. Admit when you are wrong. It sounds so easy, but our pride often keeps us from owning up to a mistake, apologizing, and pledging to do things differently in the future. Approach your conflicts with humility.

What if you are watching it from the outside?

1. Don’t take sides. It’s tempting. You want to validate your friend’s frustrations. The best way to help is to be a neutral party. Don’t draw a conclusion about everyone involved until you know every detail involved. That may never happen.
2. Don’t get involved. Have you ever tried to break up two cats that are fighting. You’ll always get scratched. Get my point?
3. Discourage toxic conversation. Keep your words few, don’t gossip, and be a protector of the unity of your team rather than a source of enmity and strife.

What are some resources to help me with this?

1. The Peacemaker by Ken Sande
2. Making Peace by Jim Van Yperen
3. Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler